Birthdays make me nervous

I will be the first to admit I never look forward to my children's birthdays. Many of my friends & family have often made the excuse for me that since both of the girls birthdays are right around Christmas (with everyone else's in my immediate family, it seems) that I have every right to not like them.

But it isnt' that.

Sure, the fact that they get another year older is depressing. But, I dislike the planning associated with the parties, the gifts, the whole darn thing. I get all panicky in large groups of people. And large groups of people that I have invited into my organizationally challenged home. Well, that's just asking for the melt down of epic proportions.

I can honestly say that I have not enjoyed a single birthday of either of my daughter's.

Not a single one in the nearly 15 years that I have been a mother. Do you know how hard it is to admit that.

I used to joke and say that I would love to freeze them at the age of two. That is my favorite age. They are learing about themselves, the world around them....but you are still their ENTIRE world.

I look back at two year old Giggles and The Chicken. It seems like so long ago.

Giggles at Two in 1996

The Chicken at 2 in 2000

And then I think of Heather & Mike and what they wouldn't give to have to go digging through their storage room in nearly 13 or nearly 10 years to pull out some old photos out of a box to scan for a blog post.

You see, Maddie, will be forever 514 days old. She will never get to go shopping for glasses because her frames broke at 4.308 days old. She won't get to run into the local coffee shop on the way to school when she is 5.452 days old so that she & Heather can enjoy a cup of coffee on the ride there together.

I know that Heather & Mike are wishing that they had just one more day. A lifetime would be so nice-but even just one more day-to say good bye.

We haven't had a lifetime of birthday's yet. I hope for so many more. I feel guilty for not cherishing those birthdays.

For secretly cringing when they want to start planning their big days months in advance. I know part of it is jealousy on my part, my birthdays weren't big a-dos. And to be truthful they have been forgotten by those close to me many times. But that is not the fault of either of my girls.

Maddie, how can someone, who I never physically met and is only 514 days old have such an impact on my life. You would think after 11,858 days I wouldn't need life lessons from you.

But I did.

Maddie, you have shown me that I need to cherish each and every day with my girls. I recently wrote a post to my daughter telling her to enjoy life-for she will only be 5,442 days old once. For what your mother would have given to have written that same post to you. To tell you to slow down, enjoy life. She & your father cherished each and every 514 days of your beautiful life.

In a way I am almost jealous of them. Looking back, thinking of all the time I missed because I didn't cherish my girls. I love them, but did I really cherish them. I sweated the small stuff-all the time-and I never should have. They knew something, they figured it out quick, it didn't take them over 5,000 days to know that every day is worth celebrating.

So on your second birthday, Maddie, I make you a promise. For each and every one of my girls' birthdays I will truly celebrate. I won't worry if the invitations were sent out on time, or if the cake isn't just right. I won't lose any sleep over not getting to vacuum the stairs. I will just focus on them-cherishing each and every day that I have left with them.

Today I will wear purple for you. To celebrate your life-those glorious 514 days that you were here among us. Now don't get me wrong, dear Maddie, you are still here, but in a totally different way.

I will also wear purple for you on 5-14. This day already has special signifcance for me, as it is my mother in law's birthday. She was such a wonderful woman, that like you was taken from us far too soon. I would like to think that maybe you know her. She smiling down on her grand daughters...missing them. And you missing your grandmother. Maybe you comfort each other. Did you know that her favorite color was yellow, but a close second is purple?

So thank you, Maddie. While not the way that your parents had planned-you are living on. Those 514 days had such an impact on so many people around the world. You made such a difference in your short time with us.

And you made such a difference in me. My heart owes you many thanks. I only wish I could get back those 5,452 days back. But I don't think there is a birthday candle big enough for that.

Much love to Heather & Mike today and always.